Writer of satire and humor, Illustrator

Published in The New Yorker Daily Shouts, The Belladonna, McSweeney's Internet Tendency, Weekly Humorist, Queen Mobs Tea House, Funny-ish, and Otherwheres Magazine.

Also on The Toast and The Hairpin.

Published Works

MOST RECENT WORK LISTED FIRST

We Actually Hate Houseguests. Mermaids are Sexed-Up Manatees. Shoot for the Moon or Die in the Vacuum of Space.

 

"Intentionally Uninspiring Throw Pillows." Weekly Humorist, August 2020. Collaboration with Jenn Knott

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[BOOM BOOM]

“U-S-A! U-S-A!”

 

[BOOM]

 

“Do you ever wonder what would happen if everyone got sick all at once, though?

 

[BOOM]

"Audio from the 2019 Fourth of July Fireworks Show." Points in Case, July 2020.
 

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I’m telling the audience, “I can’t believe this! Wasn’t her husband killed just last week by the murderer? The murderer who is killing everyone Jenny knows, one-by-one? The murderer they suspect to be working at a hamburger restaurant in this very town?” All with my burger! Because they didn’t want to give me any lines!

"Eating for the Stage and Screen." Points In Case, April 2020.

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Maternity Caftans! Pregnancy-approved Cocktails! and MORE

"Targeted Ads for Pregnant People." New Yorker, Daily Shouts. November 2019. Collaboration with Emily Flake.

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Fall is the most fickle season.

If you start getting excited too soon you’re going to end up scaring it and then summer will have to fill in. 

FUCKING SUMMER.

"Don't Scare Away Fall." Funny-ish, October 2019.

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From your United States President is a Woman Universe

 

Newspaper clippings talking about how much money teachers and nurses make in America now. The stories are compelling, but it’s also amazing that they’re on real, actual newsprint.

"Welcome to Other You: Box Subscriptions From the Multiverse," Points In Case, August 2019. Collaboration with Emily Schleiger.

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As our newest team member who is a woman or a minority, we will always challenge you to prove that you belong here with us. It’s one of the great ways we keep our team strong!

"Help Wanted: Diversity Hire," Funny-ish, July 2019. Collaboration with Emily Schleiger.

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Can I explain?

Here’s what we’re gonna do!

Marissa, don’t miss your chance

"Email Subject Lines from My Cheating Boyfriend and/or a Presidential Campaign," The Belladonna Comedy, July 2019.

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Not gonna lie, it can be pretty awesome being, well, me! But lately, things have started getting... weird.

"A Very Special Message From a Unicorn," Medium.com, December 2018.

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Let’s see from a show of hands how many of you read a book or watched a show about breastfeeding, or talked to a friend or family member who nursed their child? That's great! Now put up your other hand. You’re showing me the international symbol of surrender. That’s exactly what you’re going to be doing for the rest of your breastfeeding life.

"Welcome to Breastfeeding Class, Surrender All Hope." McSweeney's Internet Tendency, October 2018.

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Akhil is hoping for a place with good views of the city to inspire his art. “My work is really centered on the concept of ‘phenomena.’ Like making things move and having people wonder ‘What the fuck, did that thing just move on its own?!’ That sort of aesthetic.”

"House Haunters: HGTV's New Spooky Halloween Show." Points In Case, October 2018.

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How many humid and hot places can I venture to, to share the good news, while looking absolutely stunning in the Pro Filt’r Soft Matte Long Wear foundation? It’s the most sweat-proof foundation ever!

"Jesus Said I Need Fenty Beauty." The Belladonna Comedy, June 2018.

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White Glue “Foot Peel”

“Budget Skin Care.” The Belladonna Comedy, March 2018.

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A button that opens a trapdoor under a co-worker who inquires if you’re going to come back to work after you have the baby.

"Desk Buttons We'd Like To See." The New Yorker, Daily Shouts,  December 2017.

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And there’s NEW Maria, meeting her interviewer again, but this time she’s HIRED! All because of Pureness!

"Pitch Meeting for Pureness Body Wash (#DoveAd)." The Belladonna Comedy, October  2017.

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Kids, if anyone tries to tell you one weird trick to banish belly fat, just ignore them.

"Things Millennial Grandparents Will Say." The New Yorker, Daily Shouts, August 2017.

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What kinds of owners are successfully buying used Vanagons?

"For Sale: A Deeper, More Meaningful Life. Also, a 1984 Vanagon." The Belladonna Comedy, June 2017.

 

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What kind of behavior are you seeing at the Town Hall?

A. People feeling upset, nervous, and angry.  

B. Big arm gestures. Exaggerated movements. Men holding their suspenders while talking. People bowing after they ask their questions. 

C. Far too much fading in-and-out of the material world. Levitating.

"Know Your Town Hall Protestors: Constituents, Paid Protestors, or Poltergeists." Queen Mob's Tea House, March 2017.

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Bisexuality – Hot In Movies; Is it Hot IRL? A Poll

"Your High School Boyfriend Started a Women's Blog," collaboration with Evan Johnston. Queen Mob's Tea House, November 2016.

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I lived it: My neighbors paid me to watch their house, and I never left

"Essays in the Age of Demagogues." Queen Mob's Tea House, June 2016.

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Her doctor said that thumb-sucking is the e-cigarette for babies weaning off of the breast, so we’re fine with it.

"Totally Appropriate Responses to Unsolicited Parenting Advice." The Toast, March 2016.

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You can not find a good telephone in New Hampshire.

Where can you get a good cup of coffee in Arizona? You can’t.

There is no place to get a good colonic in Nebraska.

"No Good Bagels Here." McSweeney's Internet Tendency, December 2015.

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Sit on chairs, or the floor. Sure, if someone invites you to sit on a countertop or table, go for it – but if it’s warm, refrain from basking.

"One Weird Trick to Convince Your Date You're Not a Lizard-Person." Queen Mob's Tea House, October 2015.

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The bride is a children’s librarian; the groom restores and repairs books.

"Better Wedding Announcements, Part II." The Toast, September 2015.

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A breastfeeding support group that is also a formula-feeding support group, because all it needs to be about is a community of parents who will support each other.

"Feminist Postpartum Vignettes." The Toast, February 2015.

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I pictured that man in their large bed, sleeping peacefully this one night – The Snorer wasn’t there. His tired body enjoying the quiet and comfort of solitude. He wasn’t going to wake up for anything.

"Snoring Through Midnight: Nights at the Sleep Clinic." Personal Essay.The Toast, February 2015.

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When I came through that first pregnancy — after a traumatic birth experience — I promised myself that if I ever got pregnant again, it would be different.

Apparently, those were fighting words.

"On Pregnancy, Anxiety, and the Celeb Bump Watch." Personal Essay.The Toast, October 2014.

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"Helene in Paris: A Visual Representation of a New York Times Commenter." Illustrations, The Toast, September 2014.

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If for some reason you can’t make it to the park, well, please know we feel a loss without you there. Please return as soon as possible. Or send someone in your place. Or maybe just have one of those grocery store delivery people come and rip open a bag of potato chips for us; there’d be no harm in that.

"Only You Can Help: A Duck Scam." The Toast, April 2014.

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So your boat is broken down and you have to ask for help and then what? You’re going to have to wait and not sink in the water, that’s what. You don’t have to worry about sinking when you get a flat tire.

"Advice for Parents Who Want to Sail With Their Kids." The Toast, April 2014.

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Hot, sexy Paleo people with stunning Paleo chiseled abs and upper-leg cleavage. Tons of thick, Paleo hair piled on their thick, Paleo skulls. Paleo women had gorgeous breasts ready to feed strong Paleo babies, and Paleo men had no penis problems ever.

"Hot Paleo People." The Hairpin, February 2014.

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Refrigerator: How much milk do you need, Kimberly?

Kimberly: Like, 2 cups.

Refrigerator: You have 1 and one-half cups of milk, only.

Kimberly: Why didn’t you just say that…

Refrigerator: You’re welcome!

"The Kitchen of Tomorrow." The Hairpin, January 2014.

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This is my body. I work veryhard for it. I sleep every night, eat regularly, lift weights and my 43-pound child, walk a lot, jog when I can, and shower daily. This is my body. What’s your excuse for not having my body?

"What's Your Excuse for Not Having My Body?" The Hairpin, October 2013.

 

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The brides are both Olympic athletes. Helen set records in the shot put; Greta in the javelin. The bouquet toss will be held outside the reception hall in a nearby soccer field.

"Better Wedding Announcements." The Toast, July 2013.

 

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Cars and trucks inched past in the traffic, drivers and passengers practicing their un-intrusive stares while she sat in her car on the shoulder, oily smoke wafting up from under the hood. A child in the back seat of a station wagon flipped her off with one hand, while picking his nose with the other.

"Five Allegories for Apathy." The Hairpin, April 2013.

 

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White wine will hide your tennis shoes under the sofa (red wine always makes sure you put them right by your coat closet), and makes you wear those high-maintenance suede ankle boots to work. It will also hide your comfortable underwear and slippers.

"What is White Wine Good For?" The Hairpin, November 2012.

 
 
 

©2018 by Marissa Maciel. Proudly created with Wix.com

LeVar Burton & Yo-Yo Ma Dads for The Toast

LeVar Burton reads a story by the campfire with Yo-Yo Ma playing his cello. This is for a story by Nicole Chung and Marissa Chen, "If LeVar Burton and Yo-Yo Ma Were Your Dads."

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